Poetry, teen, cancer, chronic illness

There has always been music playing

inside my head, for as long as I remember.

An undefinable, elusive

tune weaving in and out of my

consciousness.

I've spent my entire life trying to

duplicate the song, I've always felt the

need to create and play music, sharing

it, singing and playing and performing.

When I play, it's like a window is

opened on my soul.

Then, when I was diagnosed with

cancer, the music changed. It wasn't a

song I knew anymore. My life became

confusing, dark, solitary. Performing

became a way of making sure that I

was still alive. I've lost a lot. When I

play, it's as if I'm confirming that I still

have my soul.

And so I'll keep playing, keep

performing, shouting to the world that

I'm here, that I'm alive, that I'm stronger

than ever before. And my song is

richer, deeper and has more meaning,

because my soul is, too. The

scars make it stronger, better, lift the song to soar.

I know as long as I can hear the music, I won't die.

M.Alston

P.S. Maddy died in April, 1998, yet her music and poetry are a legacy that will never leave us...Memorial

Joan Fleitas, Ed.D., R.N.
Associate Professor of Nursing, Lehman College, CUNY
Bronx, New York 10468

Last updated: November 14, 2004